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The Muppet Show Transcript >>>

*Note: My tape is really bad at the very beginning, so the first line in this script is not really the very beginning.

 

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[Scene: backstage behind the Muppet Theater]

(Luke bursts through the wall, and Threepio and Artoo follow. The Star Wars theme thrums in the background.)

Scooter: Look! It’s Luke Skywalker and C-3PO and R2-D2 from Star Wars! They make much better guests than Mr. McGonegul!

Threepio: Excuse me Master Luke, but what is this strange world we’ve come to?

Luke: Beats me, Threepio. Seems like we’ve landed on some sort of comedy-variety show planet.

(Artoo beeps in acknowledgment.)

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[Scene: on the stage in front of that red curtain]

Kermit: It’s the Muppet Show with our very special guests, the stars of Star Wars! Yeah!!!!

(Muppet show intro)

Kermit: Hello! Hi all! And welcome again to the Muppet Show! And a very special show we have for you tonight. Because, until about two minutes ago, our guest star was scheduled to be Angus McGonegul, the argyle gargoyle, but we canceled him.

Angus: This is an outrrrage!! I demand my spot!!

Kermit: Uhh...well listen, I don’t even know what an argyle gargoyle does!

Angus: I garrrrgle Gershwyn.

Kermit: The argyle gargoyle gargles Gershywn?

Angus: Gorrrgeously.

Kermit: Will you get off the stage! Walk, walk walk!! Now, Angus has been canceled because believe it our not, with us tonight are none other than the stars of Star Wars featuring special guest Mark Hamill. But first, in keeping with the mood of the show, let us go where sheep may safely graze, shall we?

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(little sheep musical number; some "ramma-lamma-ding-dong" song)

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[Scene: backstage behind the Muppet Theater]

Kermit: Okay, nice flocking guys! Uh say, aren’t there more of you?

A Sheep: We don’t know.

Kermit: Why not?

A Sheep: Well, every time we try to count ourselves, we fall asleep.

Kermit: Uh, yeah.

Threepio: Mr. Kermit, sir, may I say what an honor it is to meet such a distinguished...amphibian such as yourself who’s brought so much joy to the universe.

Kermit: Oh, wow, well it’s a pleasure to meet both of you. And incidently, why are you fellows here?

Threepio: We are searching for Chewbacca.

Kermit: Oh, Chewbacca the wookiee?

(Artoo beeps something.)

Threepio: Yes, as Artoo rightly says, he’s been kidnapped.

Kermit: Kidnapped? Well, why are you looking around here?

Threepio: We’ve received this hyperspace telegram from him.

Kermit: It says uh, "To Luke Skywalker, C-3PO, and R2-D2: Help, I am being held prisoner by a bunch of weird turkeys."

Threepio: It does rather sounds like your show.

Kermit: Yeah, it does.

(Luke bursts in and runs around yelling.)

Luke: Remember Alderaan!! I’ll search upstairs. Threepio, you cover that exit!

Threepio: What should I do?

Luke: Down with the Empire!!

(Luke runs off upstairs.)

Kermit: Uh..uh..what was that?

Threepio: That was our master, Luke Skywalker. I’ll try to calm him down. But you know how strangely excitable these humans are.

Kermit: They’re a strange race all right.

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(cut to a Muppet News Flash about sheeps and sheepdogs.)

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[Scene: still backstage]

Kermit: Hey, did you guys find Chewbacca?

Luke: No, but he’s gotta be around here somewhere.

Kermit: Well, as long as you three are here, how about you go out on stage and do a song for us?

Luke: What? You must be joking!

(Artoo beeps and rolls around.)

Kermit: Well look your little garbage can friend wants to.

Threepio: Stop it Artoo. You’re NOT a song and dance droid. Come along. Our job is to find the wookiee. (Threepio and Artoo leave.)

Luke: Listen pal, we’re on a mission. There’s no way we’re gonna be involved in some third-rate variety show.

Kermit: (looks at the camera) Second-rate variety show.

(Fozzie enters.)

Fozzie: Hi Kermit! (sees Luke) Hold it, hold it! You’re Mark Hamill!

Luke: Me?

Fozzie: Yeah!

Luke: No no no. Uh...he’s my cousin! He’s my cousin, and he’s right outside.

Fozzie: Well get him, hurry! I want to see him! Boy oh boy, I’m a big fan of his!

(Luke goes downstairs, and Mark enters in through the same way.) (Lots of clapping.)

(Mark waves and smiles.)

Mark: Hi ya Fozzie!

Fozzie: Wow! Hey, you know what? You get to be a guest on this very show! Right Kermit?

Kermit: Oh, well maybe. What do you do Mark?

Mark: (talking like Kermit) Uh, well I’ve been known to do impressions. Yeah!!!

Kermit: Who do you do?

(Mark frowns.)

Fozzie: Oh, well I just love impressions. Ahhh!!

Mark: (talking like Fozzie) Oh, I just love doing them. Ahhh!!

Fozzie: Terrific!! Who do you do?

(Mark frowns again.)

Mark: Hmm...maybe I just better sing.

(Mark walks to a piano and starts playing and singing some song dramatically.)

Fozzie: (stops him) Okay.

Kermit: Uh, well, look. Actually we have enough singers on the show.

Mark: (looks disappointed, but then brightens up.) I know! How about a dancing comedian! Hit it Fozzie!

Fozzie: Yes sir!

(Fozzie starts playing the piano, and Mark starts dancing around and playing with a hat and cane, clicking his heels and everything.)

Mark: (looks at the camera) Hey, did you hear about the scientist who crossed a toad with a saxaphone? He got a froghorn!! (pauses, frowns and looks at Kermit) You look sorta green.

Kermit: Well, uh, I don’t know exactly how to put this Mark, but what else do you do?

Mark: (thinks for a moment) I gargle Gershwyn!

Kermit: Mark, I know exactly how to put this. Get out! Out! (kicks Mark out) We don’t need you! Thank you very much! And don’t call us, we’ll call you!

Fozzie: I didn’t get his autograph.

(Luke bursts in.)

Luke: All right, nobody leave! (looks at Fozzie) Unless you want to go through life as a rug!

(Fozzie runs off screaming, and Luke dashes off. Then Mark reappears again.)

Mark: (looks at the camera) Boy, isn’t that Luke Skywalker terrific!

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(cut to a cute little fish musical number)

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[Scene: onstage, in front of that red curtain]

Kermit: Well folks, our own Scooter has prepared an act for us. Uh, he can’t play very well, but he’s worked really hard on it, and after listening to Mark and Angus Gershwyn gargling, anything should sound good. Anyhow, so let’s give a big welcome to Scooter singing, "Six-string Orchestra"! Yeah!!!

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(Scooter sings and does his little number.  My tape is really fuzzy, but I swear I can see a little poster of Luke on the wall behind Scooter.)

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[Scene: backstage]

Kermit: Okay, let’s see. Next we have uh...

Robin: Uncle Kermit! Uncle Kermit!

Kermit: One second, Robin. One thing at a time. That’s how I’m able to pull off the show without falling into a panic. Next we have uh...Pigs in Space. Pigs in Space next, please. (looks at Robin) Now what was it?

Robin: I was trying to tell you that the Star Wars people have hijacked the Swine Trek!

Kermit: (panics and goes berserk) Wha-wha-what? They’ve hijacked the Swine Trek??? Ahh!! Ahhhh!!! (Runs off crazily)

Robin: (looks at the camera) Well, at least he didn’t panic.

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[Scene: outerspace; interior of the Swine Trek]

Narrator's voice: And now, PIGS IN SPACE!!!! (freaky space music in the background while a spaceship is seen flying around in space.)

Narrator's voice: When last we saw the Swine Trek, we hoped it would be the last time. But, it’s back.

(Luke, Threepio, and Artoo are at the controls of the Swine Trek.)

Luke: Threepio, activate the navicomputer.

Threepio: (disgusted) Eww! I’m not awfully keen of this spaceship, Artoo. It’s so messy! Cakes, coffee, sandwiches...

Luke: Will you stop it! You don’t hear Artoo complaining, do you?

(Artoo beeps and moans.)

Threepio: Yes I do. He just said it’s like a pig sty.

(Captain Link Hearthrob enters.)

Link: Hey, what’s going on here? I’m Captain Link Hearthrob, and this is my spaceship!

Threepio: That explains everything.

Luke: Why don’t you let me explain. I’m Luke Skywalker. My friends and I have just borrowed your spaceship so we can rescue our friend Chewbacca the wookiee.

(Miss Piggy appears at the doorway and sees Luke.)

Miss Piggy: Mmm...! It’s Luke Skywalker! Ooo! What a heavenly body! I’ll go change. (she leaves)

Luke: Now is there anything else you’d like to know?

Link: Yes, I have one very important question I’d like to ask you.

Luke: What’s that?

Link: Who’s your tailor? I love that outfit!

(Dr. Strangepork enters.)

Strangepork: Link! Link! What’s happening?

Link: I’ll explain later. Right now I’m talking to Luke.

Strangepork: Luke?

Link: (turns to Luke) Well perhaps if I give you my measurements...

Strangepork: Wait a minute, wait a minute. Hey, who are you? (looks at Threepio)

Threepio: I am C-3PO, and that is R2-D2. (Artoo beeps.)

Strangepork: I’m Dr. Strangepork.

Threepio: And I thought our names were weird.

Strangepork: Hey! Oh boy! Hot diggity dog son of a gun! Oh, boy! Oh look at that! Hey, could I play with your toy robot?

Threepio: He’s not a toy robot! He’s a scientifically programmed droid, and he is not to play with.

Strangepork: Hey, let me push just one button.

(Strangepork goes over to Artoo and starts messing with him. Artoo somehow throws him across the room.)

Threepio: Well I did warn you.

(the camera moves to Luke and Link talking)

Link: Well you’ve got my jacket size.

Luke: (reads a notepad he’s writing on) 44 long. And your head size: (looks at the camera) 42 thick.

(Miss Piggy bursts in dressed like Princess Leia, hair buns and all, and runs to Luke.)

Miss Piggy: Luke! Luke! Luke! Luuuuke!!!! (she starts hugging him) It is I, the princess!

Luke: Princess?

Miss Piggy: Yes. I just escaped from the evil fiend who held me prisoner!

Luke: (chuckles) Well, the evil fiend must feed his prisoners well.

Miss Piggy: What?

Luke: Well, uh, what I mean is you’ve put on uh....

Miss Piggy: (pulls Luke down) Look, Skywalker, go along with this or I’ll cut you in half.

Luke: (stands back up straight and pretends to be happy) Look! It’s the princess! (smiles and hugs Miss Piggy)

Threepio: Doesn’t look like the princess to me.

Miss Piggy: Watch it, hardware.

(Artoo beeps something.)

Threepio: Master Luke, we’re about to make a landing. And look he’s there!

(sinister music plays, and Derth Nader, who surprisingly resembles Gonzo, appears in the viewscreen)

Everyone: Oh no! Derth Nader!

Luke & Threepio: (turn to each other) Who?

Narrator's voice: Stay tuned for part two when the Swine Trek lands on Pooth Vein (?) and we learn the true identity of this archfiend.

Nader: (looks the camera) The world will never know!

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[Scene: the surface of the planet, Pooth Vein (?)]

Narrator's voice: When last we left our intrepid band, the spaceship Swine Trek was about to make a soft landing.

(We hear the spaceship bump and crash, and everyone stumbles out.)

Luke: You call that a soft landing?

Threepio: I sprained my cellinoid (?).

Link: Well you were in the driver’s chair. You forgot to push the stoppy-thing!

Miss Piggy: It’s called a brake, dummy.

Threepio: Excuse me, Master Luke, but shouldn’t we be looking for a safe refuge on this planet?

Luke: You’re right, Threepio.

Link: I know! We can hide in that cave over there!

Luke: Ahhh! A good plan!

(sinister music plays, and Derth Nader appears out of the cave.)

Nader: Ha ha ha!

Miss Piggy: It’s...it’s Derth Nader!

Luke: (sees puny little Derth Nader) THIS is Derth Nader?

Link: (frightened) Yes, isn’t he just the ickiest?

Luke: Well, what do you want of us, Nader? (Nader just breathes loudly.) Well why don’t you say something? (Nader keeps breathing...) Speak!

(Nader walks up to Luke.)

Nader: Who’s your tailor? I love that outfit!

(Luke rolls his eyes.)

Luke: All right, Nader! Take this! (pulls out his blaster and tries to shoot, but nothing happens.)

Nader: Ha ha ha ha ha!!! At last you know the awful truth! This here, my dear friend, is a crypto-anagon transmitter. It can totally neutralize any blaster.

(Artoo beeps and moans.)

Luke: This means we must resort to the ultimate weapon!

Nader: (pretends to be scared) Oh! And oitsy toytsy what pray tell might that be?

Luke: Chewbacca the wookiee!! (points to where Chewie comes out behind a rock. The Star Wars theme starts blasting away.)

(Chewie roars. Everyone cheers.)

Luke: Nothing can stop good ol’ Chewie!

Nader: One thing can!

Luke: What’s that?

Nader: Angus McGonegul, the argyling gargoyle, gargling Gershwyn!!

(Angus appears on stage gargling loudly, and everybody moans and covers their ears.)

Luke: Horrible! Trapped by Derth Nader! Our weapons useless, and now we’re being tortured by gargling Gershwyn! Ugh!! What could possibly get us outta this!?

(Kermit appears on stage.)

Kermit: What else? A song and dance number!

(music starts playing and all the muppets sing "You are my lucky star")

Kermit: Okay, that’s the song part. Now comes the dance! Take it, Chewie and Artoo!

(Chewie starts swaying back and forth while Artoo spins around in circles.)

Kermit: C-3PO, you’re next!

Threepio: I don’t dance.

Kermit: Oh, but this is our big ending.

Threepio: Oh all right. (starts tap dancing...and does a pretty good job at it, I might add.)

Kermit: Oh, that was really wonderful! Okay, Luke next!

Luke: Not me. I’ll go get my cousin.

(Mark appears in a tuxedo and starts singing all dramatically.)

(The muppets join him and everyone sings ("when you wish upon a star, makes no difference who you are...when you wish upon a star, your dreams come true...") and sways to and fro. A cardboard "Disney’s Magic Kingdom" rises in the background and fake fireworks go off.)

(loud applause)

Kermit: Okay, well it’s been a wonderful show, ladies and gentlemen. But before we go, let us bring out the stars of Star Wars, and here they are. Chewbacca the wookiee! Yeah!!! (Chewie comes out and bows) R2-D2!!! (Artoo comes out) C-3PO everyone!! (Threepio comes out) And of course, Luke Skywalker!! (Luke comes out and smiles.)

Luke: Thank you, but don’t you think we should introduce my cousin?

Kermit: Uh sure, you want to go out and send him in?

Luke: That won’t be necessary. Ladies and gentlemen, Mark Hamill. (Mark comes out onto the stage and stands next to Luke. He smiles and bows.)

Luke: Thanks for having us, Kermit.

Mark: That goes double.

Kermit: It certainly does.

Mark: Hey, Luke, who is your tailor? I love that outfit! (Luke rolls his eyes and walks off stage.)

Kermit: Well, ladies and gentlemen, I guess that about wraps it up. We’ll see you next time on the Muppet Show!

(all the muppets stand around Kermit, and Mark, Threepio, Chewie, and Artoo stand behind them.)

(credits roll)